I’m tired of being tired. This is something that I’ve realized and felt deeply about as of lately. I had a really amazing talk with my best friend yesterday while her and her son were up visiting. I love our friendship because I can “talk things out” with her and I usually come to some very needed conclusions. She’s the best kind of friend. I can talk to her freely about even the darkest things and she’s always supportive and encouraging and helps me learn to lean on Christ. I told her about how tired I am. I said that I was tired mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I know that I need to give my husband more of my good parts and less of my bad parts. But I’m tired. I know that my son needs to be challenged daily and that I need to interact with him more. But I’m tired. I know that I need to eat better and exercise more. I even created a workout plan to do after Connor goes to bed, thinking, if I can just get into a good workout routine…I won’t be tired anymore. But then night time comes and…you guessed it. I’m tired. I know that my spiritual life is a mess right now. I know that in order to fix it, I need God. I need to pray to Him and read His Word. But…IM TIRED. And now, I’m tired of being tired.
This life is so stressful and it wears you out. I had the best day with my son today and I truly believe it’s because I felt uplifted after my talk with my friend yesterday and I felt encouraged to take today on. I honestly even forgot that Connor had a meltdown earlier until just a few minutes ago. Because I wasn’t focused on that. I was focused on the fact that he was really good today and he listened really well for most of the day.
I’m a different person than I used to be. When I got rid of my teenage pride that weighed me down so heavily, I developed this problem with people and their approval. Part of it came with the whole mom territory. Moms are so judgmental! It’s really ridiculous. I’ve been trying to get Connor to the library lately and it’s been less than great the day the least. But that’s a post for another time. The moms are judgmental. I got ALL the looks. The looks that say, “control your child.” Couldn’t they see that I was trying? Have they never experienced a two year old meltdown in public? Or did they forget what it’s like? My first day at the library with Connor, I hid in the bathroom and cried. All I wanted was for just one mom to see the pain in my eyes and say something. ANYTHING. “Hang in there mama!” “It’s okay, we all have bad days!” I longed for someone to aknowledge my pain.
My life has become a vicious circle of comparison. I HAVE to workout. Do you see that other mom? She’s so skinny compared to me. I need to clean every nook and cranny in this entire house and then nobody better touch anything because it needs to look perfect all the time. Because did you see that other persons Instagram post of their perfectly put together house? Those other moms are already pregnant and they have a toddler younger than Connor. I better hurry up and get pregnant too, even though I might not be ready. (I’m not pregnant, mom.)
There’s so much comparing in my life that I just had to finally throw my hands up and say, “I’m done!” This place that I’m at in life is HARD. Not because I have a bad husband or a bad son or a bad life. They are great. This place that I’m at in life is hard because of me. But it’s also hard because God is trying to teach me something right now. He is trying to teach me to trust Him and to let go of my own control. I’ve been stubborn and I haven’t wanted to let go and let God. So He’s brought me to this place where I have to choose. I can choose to let go and let God lead me. I can trust Him. OR…I can be tired. They are both hard options right now. I just have to choose my hard.
All I know is that I’m tired of being tired. Who cares about what those other moms think. Who cares if my house isn’t clean. Who cares if I am not perfectly thin. I have a husband who thinks I’m beautiful and perfect for him and he knows I do my best at home. My son thinks I’m amazing and he wouldn’t change a single thing about our life together. And I have a Father who is patient and kind and loving. And just like any parent, He doesn’t like to see His children struggle. But He knows that the struggles are what helps us grow into mature Christians. We could all use a little more growth in our lives.